Love Loud

When I was in high school, my best friend was gay, and I never knew. When he came out to me years later, I asked him why hadn’t he told me back then, and he answered, “You remember what it was like, right?” Yeah, I remembered. It was the 90’s and it was Utah County. Fear and misunderstanding were the norm, and for many LGBTQ+ youth, day-to-day life could be a terrifying experience. I’d like to think that there have been positive changes since then, but sadly, Utah’s youth suicide rate isn’t one of them.  

Instead of falling, it is climbing steadily, and has been each year, nearly four times faster than the national average. LGBTQ+ youth in unaccepting homes and communities are 8 times more likely to commit suicide and 3 times more likely to engage in risky drug use.  

 But Dan Reynolds, the lead singer of Imagine Dragons, and the LoveLoud Foundation are trying to change that. Last year, Dan started the LoveLoud festival to increase suicide awareness for Utah’s LGBTQ+ youth. We recently sat down to talk with Dan and Tegan Quin from the band Tegan and Sara—artists who are trying to make a meaningful impact in the lives of our youth here in Utah.  

UVHW: What inspired you to start this journey, and LoveLoud, on behalf of the LGBTQ+ community? 

 Dan Reynolds: I watched how difficult it was for friends of mine to feel safe in that space. And then I went on (an LDS) mission, and became good friends with Tyler Glenn of Neon Trees. I watched him go through his process of being Mormon and gay and coming out and how difficult that was for him to feel at odds with God. Then I married a woman who is a badass activist who helped me to find my own inner truth and speak it. It’s been a lot of different things and a lot of different people who have inspired me throughout the years as well as people like Tegan who have been doing things in this realm for a long time. I’m just trying to do my little part with the platform that I’ve been given.  

UVHW: Your film Believer aired on HBO in June. What would you want the Utah Valley audience to know about your film and how to embrace the message that you’re sharing? 

Dan Reynolds:  That it’s a safe film to watch with their children. It’s motivating, it’s emotional, it’s powerful and I truly believe it will create real change in the communities that need it most. We tried really hard to create a documentary that was honest and to convey what’s happening on ground zero with our LGBTQ+ youth within homes of faith. The question is, what can we do to change the statistics, the environment and to create a safe one for LGBTQ+ youth, and that’s what this documentary is looking to do. I hope that everyone would give it a chance to sit down and watch it and see how their heart and mind feels. 

UVHW: How can we create greater safety for our LGBTQ+ youth and as well as adults; what can we do as a community? Tegan, do you want to answer that? 

Tegan Quin: It’s so profoundly moving to watch the documentary and that’s why Sara and I and our foundation got involved with it. We want to bring the community together, not to talk about how we don’t agree, but instead to create an amazing space to come together—to have the LGBTQ+ community speaking their truth, but also have Mormons in the community who want to learn and want to be better allies or want to understand what’s going on. The community is the space to do that, and to use music to bring people together. That’s a really wonderful way to start the conversation. As queer artists, our number one job is to bring people together to a space that feels inclusive and feels warm, and I think that music is really wonderful—a great equalizer. It transcends all of our differences and brings us all together. Encouraging people to watch the documentary or come to LoveLoud is a great way to start that conversation. 

UVHW: I brought my kids to LoveLoud last year, and that really opened up the door to talk about what they heard, and what they saw, and how they felt about it. It was such a cool experience, and was such a great success. What are your hopes for year two of LoveLoud? 

Dan Reynolds:  For me, it’s that dialogue that takes place beforehand and after the concert at home, at the dinner table, at school or at church. I think that change really comes about on people’s own timelines and nobody ever changes in a deep way on matters that are this ingrained in some people’s hearts, by just having someone talk at them. I think the change comes about with time, with patience and with open dialogue and thoughtfulness. What’s the most important thing is the child sitting down with mom and dad and saying, “Hey, this is what I felt at LoveLoud. What’d you guys think?” And then the parents expressing their thoughts and then the child their thoughts and then going to school and talking to their friends about it. And that to me is how you de-stigmatize an issue and that’s how you create a safe place for LGBTQ+ youth where this isn’t even a conversation that needs to be had anymore. But hopefully there’ll be a day where LoveLoud isn’t necessary any longer. Maybe it will just take on a different life of just being a celebration of love. 

Tegan Quin: I think there’s so much negativity in the media and there’s just a lot going on in the world. It can be extremely overwhelming, and maybe a young person is experiencing anxiety or depression. Another wonderful positive about LoveLoud and the documentary is that it’s celebration, it’s positivity–it’s starting the conversation and it’s exploring a different side of the conversation. Just this morning, I was speaking to a grade four teacher who told me that they had taken their students to an event where there had been positive LGBTQ+ representation there and they had been talking about pronouns and a kid who had been really depressed and who had expressed thoughts of suicide at 10 years old, which is just devastating to hear, had come back after the field trip and said, “I now know more about myself.” This kid had been feeling like maybe he was LGBTQ+. And sometimes it’s just giving LGBTQ+ kids something to look forward to, something positive to get them through these things. You know, that’s why I think LoveLoud is important. It’s positive and we need that right now in the community. 

UVHW: Yes, we do. What are your plans or thoughts about doing LoveLoud on a national level?  

 Dan Reynolds:  My focus is really on Utah, because that’s got one of the highest suicide rates in the nation. When someone has a LoveLoud necklace on or a t-shirt, then our LGBTQ+ youth can go up to that person, and find a safe zone there. But I would like it to be an organization that represents safety to all LGBTQ+ youth, not just in the nation, but around the world, and I think it starts here. We hope to continue to do as much as we possibly can to create a real impact. 

Sources:  

https://loveloudfest.com 

https://www.sltrib.com/news/health/2017/11/30/utahs-youth-suicide-rates-growing-at-alarming-pace-new-federal-report-says/ 

 

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness Magazine 

 

Forced Apologies by Carol Kim, MS, LAMFT

My four-year-old daughter placed herself in the middle of our living room to play with blocks. She was so engrossed with building a wooden castle that she didn’t notice her two-year-old sister walking towards her with her right arm stretched far back to slap her older sister across the head. When that slap came, my older daughter went from happy to surprise to anger and then lots of tears. She ran towards me seeking justice. “Mommy, she hit me!” My younger daughter remained still, looking innocent. I immediately walked over to her with my older daughter in hand and said, “Hands are not for hitting. Say sorry for hitting please.”  I’m sure many parents can relate to this scenario. Teaching our children the skills for making amends is an important life skill and is not so much about saying the words “I’m sorry”.  

There is a belief amongst some parents that enforcing premature apologies on children is not effective. Their reasoning is that premature apologies teach children to lie and encourage insincerity. It also creates shame and embarrassment. Other studies show that young children have the ability to be empathetic even before they can speak; therefore, parents should encourage apologies (Smith, Chen, Harris; 2010). As I reflected on my research and my knowledge as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I recognized several things we can do as parents to create productive apologies: 

  1. Keep yourself in check: It’s frustrating to see your children fight, especially when it happens at inconvenient times. However, it’s important to remain calm and model for your children how to handle frustration.   
  2. Be immediate when possible: When you see an incident occur between your children, address it. The best time for learning and growth is when the incident is still fresh in their minds. However, when there are time constraints and the issue cannot be addressed right away, it is important to tell your children when and where it will be addressed. Be consistent when using the alternative and follow through.  
  3. Ask instead of tell: Avoid lecturing. Ask questions instead. “Tell me what happened?” “What were you feeling when you hit your sister?” Validate the expressed emotion and help them to understand that it is okay to feel frustration and sadness; however, it is not okay to hit or throw things. Help them to also make the connection between emotion and action. “Look at her face, how do you think she’s feeling right now?” Asking these types of questions enhances empathy. 
  4. Problem Solve: Ask questions about what they think they should do when they feel frustrated or sad. Help them to come up with solutions.  Ask questions about how they can make things better with their sibling/s. 
  5. Have them practice a do-over: When your child identifies the solution, have them practice it with the other sibling/s. Praise them for their efforts at the end.    

What is more important than the phrase “I’m sorry” is what children take away from the experience. We can facilitate and enhance learning opportunities by not focusing on the phrase “I’m sorry” but instead more on what can be learned from this situation and how can we improve.  

About the Author: Carol is a therapist at the American Fork Center for Couples and Families. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has spent the past 6 years practicing in several cities across the United States, including Boston, San Francisco, and now, American Fork. She is passionate about applying the principles of therapy to improve lives and relationships, and is committed to creating a safe, comfortable, and supportive environment. Carol specializes in individual, couples, and family therapy, and has extensive clinical experience treating depression, anxiety, ADHD, addictions, domestic violence, trauma, children/adolescents and relationship issues.

Hidden Signs of Depression by Alberto Souza, MSN, APRN, FNP-C

Studies show about 1 out of every 6 adults will have depression at some time in their life. This means that you probably know someone who is depressed or may become depressed at some point. We often think of a depressed person as someone who is sad or melancholy. However, there are other signs of depression that can be a little more difficult to detect.

 

Trouble Sleeping

If you notice a change in a loved one’s sleeping habits pay close attention as this could be a sign of depression. Oftentimes depression leads to trouble sleeping and lack of sleep can also lead to depression.

Quick to Anger
When a person is depressed even everyday challenges can seem more difficult or even impossible to manage which often leads to increased anger and irritability. This can be especially true for adolescents and children.


Losing Interest
When someone is suffering from depression you may notice a lack of interest in past times he or she typically enjoys. “People suffering from clinical depression lose interest in favorite hobbies, friends, work — even food. It’s as if the brain’s pleasure circuits shut down or short out.”


Appetite Changes
Gary Kennedy, MD, director of geriatric psychiatry at Montefiore Medical Center in Bronx, New York cautions that a loss of appetite can be a sign of depression or even a sign of relapse back into depression. Dr. Kennedy also points out that others have trouble with overeating when they are depressed.


Low Self-Esteem

Depression often leaves people feeling down about themselves. Depression can lead to feelings of self-doubt and a negative attitude.

 

What to do
If you suspect you or someone you love may be suffering from depression talk about it, encourage him or her to get professional help and once he or she does be supportive. Remember that at times symptoms of depression need to be treated just like any other medical condition.

Sources

Healthtalk.org

helpguide.org

Psychology Today

About the Author:  Alberto has worked in healthcare for over 10 years. He began as a CNA and then worked as a registered nurse until completing his Master’s Degree in Nursing.  Alberto has been been working as a Nurse Practitioner since April of 2013.  In addition to his work as a Nurse Practitioner, he also teaches online classes for the Dixie State University Nursing Program.  He is currently working at the St. George Center For Couples & Families.

How to Talk to Your Teenager about Hard Things

Many parents bring their child in for therapy and express that they don’t know how to talk to them about things that are happening with their family (ex. divorce, depression of a family member). Also, I’ve heard from many teenagers that their parents haven’t talked to them about “awkward” topics, such as sex, pornography, dating, or even emotions. However, I have found that when parents have open communication with their children, children tend to be more emotionally healthy.  

First, when it comes to talking about sex, pornography, or dating, one of the most common questions I get is, “How do I know what is age-appropriate?” The simple answer to that question is to start with the basics. If the child asks more questions than answer those questions. I have found that if parents are unwilling to answer or feel awkward answering, their children will turn to other sources to get answers. Further, if the children see that the parents feel awkward talking about the subject, then the subject becomes taboo and they feel like they can’t talk with their parents in the future when they have questions.  

Another thing to keep in mind when talking with your teenagers about sex is to use correct terms. The terms they usually hear are slang, but it is important for them to understand exactly what you are talking about and the easiest way to avoid confusion is to avoid slang. Further, if you start to get uncomfortable, take some deep breaths and remind yourself that its important for them to know from you. Some parents, mine included, have used books to help when talking to their child/teenager about maturation. Just make sure that you know what’s in the book. Read the book with them and answer their questions.  

Second, when it comes to feelings, teenagers tend to have a lot of them. I have heard from parents that they are burnt out listening to the emotional rollercoaster, or that they don’t know how to react when they feel like their teenager’s emotions are silly, or they simply do not understand what their child is feeling because they, the parent, are not good with emotions. It’s important to listen to teenagers and help them learn to regulate their own emotions. I’ve found that most parents feel pressure to fix their teenager’s problems or to make their children happy. However, sometimes the best way to help them is to listen and then help them problem solve their own problems. For example, if they come to you emotionally distraught over being left out, it can be helpful to listen to their feelings, let them know that you are listening by repeating back a part of what they said, then ask them what they can do in the future when this happens (or ask what they need to do to feel better in this moment). 

As a parent, many difficult conversations need to be had with your teenagers. It can feel overwhelming at times if you don’t know what to say or how to say it; but if you can push through, you will help your children learn valuable skills they need later in life. You can help develop a relationship with your teenager of trust and openness that can help them safely navigate their way through those challenging teenage years.  

 

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness Magazine 

Why Should Couples Consistently Set New Year’s Resolutions Together? By Dr. Matt Eschler, Ph.D, LMFT

I have counseled couples for twenty-five years. Panicking, anxiously pacing, wringing hands, couples have wandered into my office, hoping to find some peace in their relationships. In the counseling arena we explore some very principled foundation ingredients that, when mixed together, produce peaceful, passionate relationships.

There are three fundamental ingredients that all of us need to exercise for a shot at a sound relationship. My challenge to you is to sit with your lover and assess the following three principles, and set specific goals to learn a little more, stand a little more firm, and increase your skills in these three areas:

The first foundation principle is friendship. Friendship is unilateral. Increase your friendship with your lover every couple of hours. You do this by sharing information, being trustworthy, and being transparent—without conditions.

The second principle that relationships will not survive without is influence. You must accept your lover’s influence. Men seem to have a slightly more difficult time with this, but both partners will benefit from allowing influence. Think about a time when there was disagreement in direction of relationship or activity. Did you allow your lover to have influence? Did you argue until one of you gave in? Was their healthy negotiation until a mutually satisfying result occurred? The hope is always influence and no competition. Get a little better at this in 2018!

Finally, the third principle is generating a governing purpose for your marriage. This is the North Star that holds you both accountable to a result that is desirable and cherished. If you are seeking the same purpose, you won’t go after hostile results. For example, my wife and I want to travel the world. If I sneak out and spend our travel money on a new truck and lots of clothes, we won’t have resources available to travel. That causes issues. If I save and we put our travel fund together and watch it grow together, we will eventually accomplish our common goal.

I invite you all to accept this challenge: In 2018 be a little bit better in all three of these areas. Sit with your lover and map out a specific strategy to accomplish these three goals to improve your relationship.

 

About the Author: Matt lives in St. George, Utah where he and his wife Chris are enjoying their life with each other. Since their kids have grown and moved out perusing their dreams Matt and Chris travel the world. They want to visit 200 countries before the are done. Matt and Chris are active in their community and enjoy working out, training for marathons, and spending time participating in numerous activities with their adult children.  Matt has received his PhD in Psychology. He is focused on the arena of resolving personal conflicts and improving interpersonal relationships. In addition to his Doctorate Degree Matt has earned a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, studied Criminal Justice and received a category I licensure with Peace Officer Standard of Training along with a degree in the Arts of Business Management. Matt is a professor at Dixie State University and hopes to be part of the positive growth of Southern Utah.

Simple Ways to Improve Mood by Alberto Souza, MSN, APRN, FNP-C

We all have those days when it feels like we woke up on the wrong side of the bed. For whatever reason we are just in a bad mood. Often times these bad mood feelings are associated with difficult or stressful events in our lives such as trouble at work, financial problems or disappointment. Sometimes these bad mood feelings last for only a few hours, but sometimes they might linger for days at a time. There are many simple strategies to improve one’s mood in spite of what it is that might be bringing us down.

Be With People

Often times when we are feeling low just being with a trusted friend or family member and talking about our feelings can make all the difference. Having a sympathetic listener or someone that can get us laughing or looking at the bright side of things can make all the difference. We shouldn’t be embarrassed to talk about our mood or admit that we need help. In fact, many times isolating ourselves can be one of the biggest culprits in a lingering bad mood.

Get Out

Whether its a brisk walk through the neighborhood or a trip to the grocery store, getting out of the house can do wonders for improving our mood. Sometimes we just need a little sunshine or to breathe in some fresh air. The sights and sounds of everyday life can get our mind off of things and be a beautiful distraction.

Enjoy Yourself

When a bad mood strikes we might find ourselves not even wanting to do the things we normally enjoy, but doing them anyways can take our minds off of negative thoughts and often times will help us feel better overall. Think of simple pleasures like reading, exercising, cooking or baking, shopping or just watching a funny movie or show.

Talk to a Professional

Feeling sad or moody are normal human emotions that we all experience from time to time.  Depression is different from these emotions primarily because depression is a pervasive feeling of sadness that impacts our entire life and doesn’t just go away even when things in our lives are good. We should not hesitate to reach out to a professional to help us understand our feelings and deal with them appropriately.

Source: Psychology Today

About the Author:  Alberto has worked in healthcare for over 10 years. He began as a CNA and then worked as a registered nurse until completing his Master’s Degree in Nursing.  Alberto has been been working as a Nurse Practitioner since April of 2013.  In addition to his work as a Nurse Practitioner, he also teaches online classes for the Dixie State University Nursing Program.  He is currently working at the St. George Center For Couples & Families.