Boundaries With Others – How To Set Them

When you’re trying to create boundaries with people they will be tested. It’s like when cows enter a new pasture, they will knock their shoulder against the perimeter a few times to check out where their boundaries are and how strong they are. Cows are strong enough to take down barbed wire if they really wanted to, but they aren’t really testing if they can get out, they are testing if they are safe from the external world. Once they know that the boundaries are consistent and stable they feel safe and they graze in the middle. If the cows don’t have that consistent boundary they will rely on the cowboy to tell them when they have gone too far. The cowboy, however, doesn’t have consistent boundaries, they will only correct the cow when they notice the cow has gone too far, which doesn’t create a feeling of safety. People are the same when they have never experienced consistent boundaries, or they are experiencing new boundaries. People will test boundaries, not enough to break them but enough to trust that they are there to stay and to trust that they are there to keep them safe.

A lot of young adults who never experienced boundaries, because their parents wanted to be their friend. They have a great relationship with their parents, but they will tell me that they feel like they grew up as an orphan because they don’t have a secure home base. but they will tell me that they are afraid to explore and take risks as an adult because they can’t trust that they have parents who are watching out for them, to make sure they don’t make a mistake big enough to ruin their entire life.

It’s important that people are given the space to grow and find their own solutions within appropriate limits. When your setting limits the goal is not to get a specific outcome, rather the goal is to prevent a specific outcome. It is quite spectacular what people can come up with when their possibilities aren’t limited, but just the same we don’t want anyone hurting themselves or others in the process. Limits are set to prevent irreversible and/or irreplaceable damage, while still allowing people to learn how to cope with and improve from mistakes.

When cattle are being herded they have the instinct to turn around when they feel blocked, which can be disruptive to the flow and requires more work to redirect them back into the flow. To redirect a cow, you want them to feel pressure on their shoulder. If you are in front of them when you apply this pressure they feel blocked, if you are beside them when you apply this pressure they will simply turn a bit from where they shouldn’t be. People are the same, when they are told to stop doing what they are doing (and they don’t continue trampling over you) they will do a complete turnaround, even if this wasn’t your intention. If you’re only wanting a slight redirection from a no-go zone you want to adjust your approach to let them know that you understand that they want to move forward, and you want that too, but you want them going forward in a slightly different direction.

Written by Madison Price, MA, LAMFT – therapist at the Holladay Center for Couples and Families

 

Love Loud

When I was in high school, my best friend was gay, and I never knew. When he came out to me years later, I asked him why hadn’t he told me back then, and he answered, “You remember what it was like, right?” Yeah, I remembered. It was the 90’s and it was Utah County. Fear and misunderstanding were the norm, and for many LGBTQ+ youth, day-to-day life could be a terrifying experience. I’d like to think that there have been positive changes since then, but sadly, Utah’s youth suicide rate isn’t one of them.  

Instead of falling, it is climbing steadily, and has been each year, nearly four times faster than the national average. LGBTQ+ youth in unaccepting homes and communities are 8 times more likely to commit suicide and 3 times more likely to engage in risky drug use.  

 But Dan Reynolds, the lead singer of Imagine Dragons, and the LoveLoud Foundation are trying to change that. Last year, Dan started the LoveLoud festival to increase suicide awareness for Utah’s LGBTQ+ youth. We recently sat down to talk with Dan and Tegan Quin from the band Tegan and Sara—artists who are trying to make a meaningful impact in the lives of our youth here in Utah.  

UVHW: What inspired you to start this journey, and LoveLoud, on behalf of the LGBTQ+ community? 

 Dan Reynolds: I watched how difficult it was for friends of mine to feel safe in that space. And then I went on (an LDS) mission, and became good friends with Tyler Glenn of Neon Trees. I watched him go through his process of being Mormon and gay and coming out and how difficult that was for him to feel at odds with God. Then I married a woman who is a badass activist who helped me to find my own inner truth and speak it. It’s been a lot of different things and a lot of different people who have inspired me throughout the years as well as people like Tegan who have been doing things in this realm for a long time. I’m just trying to do my little part with the platform that I’ve been given.  

UVHW: Your film Believer aired on HBO in June. What would you want the Utah Valley audience to know about your film and how to embrace the message that you’re sharing? 

Dan Reynolds:  That it’s a safe film to watch with their children. It’s motivating, it’s emotional, it’s powerful and I truly believe it will create real change in the communities that need it most. We tried really hard to create a documentary that was honest and to convey what’s happening on ground zero with our LGBTQ+ youth within homes of faith. The question is, what can we do to change the statistics, the environment and to create a safe one for LGBTQ+ youth, and that’s what this documentary is looking to do. I hope that everyone would give it a chance to sit down and watch it and see how their heart and mind feels. 

UVHW: How can we create greater safety for our LGBTQ+ youth and as well as adults; what can we do as a community? Tegan, do you want to answer that? 

Tegan Quin: It’s so profoundly moving to watch the documentary and that’s why Sara and I and our foundation got involved with it. We want to bring the community together, not to talk about how we don’t agree, but instead to create an amazing space to come together—to have the LGBTQ+ community speaking their truth, but also have Mormons in the community who want to learn and want to be better allies or want to understand what’s going on. The community is the space to do that, and to use music to bring people together. That’s a really wonderful way to start the conversation. As queer artists, our number one job is to bring people together to a space that feels inclusive and feels warm, and I think that music is really wonderful—a great equalizer. It transcends all of our differences and brings us all together. Encouraging people to watch the documentary or come to LoveLoud is a great way to start that conversation. 

UVHW: I brought my kids to LoveLoud last year, and that really opened up the door to talk about what they heard, and what they saw, and how they felt about it. It was such a cool experience, and was such a great success. What are your hopes for year two of LoveLoud? 

Dan Reynolds:  For me, it’s that dialogue that takes place beforehand and after the concert at home, at the dinner table, at school or at church. I think that change really comes about on people’s own timelines and nobody ever changes in a deep way on matters that are this ingrained in some people’s hearts, by just having someone talk at them. I think the change comes about with time, with patience and with open dialogue and thoughtfulness. What’s the most important thing is the child sitting down with mom and dad and saying, “Hey, this is what I felt at LoveLoud. What’d you guys think?” And then the parents expressing their thoughts and then the child their thoughts and then going to school and talking to their friends about it. And that to me is how you de-stigmatize an issue and that’s how you create a safe place for LGBTQ+ youth where this isn’t even a conversation that needs to be had anymore. But hopefully there’ll be a day where LoveLoud isn’t necessary any longer. Maybe it will just take on a different life of just being a celebration of love. 

Tegan Quin: I think there’s so much negativity in the media and there’s just a lot going on in the world. It can be extremely overwhelming, and maybe a young person is experiencing anxiety or depression. Another wonderful positive about LoveLoud and the documentary is that it’s celebration, it’s positivity–it’s starting the conversation and it’s exploring a different side of the conversation. Just this morning, I was speaking to a grade four teacher who told me that they had taken their students to an event where there had been positive LGBTQ+ representation there and they had been talking about pronouns and a kid who had been really depressed and who had expressed thoughts of suicide at 10 years old, which is just devastating to hear, had come back after the field trip and said, “I now know more about myself.” This kid had been feeling like maybe he was LGBTQ+. And sometimes it’s just giving LGBTQ+ kids something to look forward to, something positive to get them through these things. You know, that’s why I think LoveLoud is important. It’s positive and we need that right now in the community. 

UVHW: Yes, we do. What are your plans or thoughts about doing LoveLoud on a national level?  

 Dan Reynolds:  My focus is really on Utah, because that’s got one of the highest suicide rates in the nation. When someone has a LoveLoud necklace on or a t-shirt, then our LGBTQ+ youth can go up to that person, and find a safe zone there. But I would like it to be an organization that represents safety to all LGBTQ+ youth, not just in the nation, but around the world, and I think it starts here. We hope to continue to do as much as we possibly can to create a real impact. 

Sources:  

https://loveloudfest.com 

https://www.sltrib.com/news/health/2017/11/30/utahs-youth-suicide-rates-growing-at-alarming-pace-new-federal-report-says/ 

 

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness Magazine 

 

Now That My Teen Has Come Out – WHAT DO I DO NOW?

Ive told my son that nothing changes, that I still love him, but I expect him to live the same standards as the rest of the family, and yet he seems more and more depressed. Why isnt this working? 

I dont want my daughters ideas about being lesbian to influence the younger kids in the family, so Ive told her not to talk about it at home. 

I think if my son is going to wear makeup, hes going to get made fun of at school. I cant stop that. 

In the September/October issue of Utah Valley Health and Wellness, I talked about parental self-care. It’s important for parents to have people to talk with who understand and don’t blame them for what they are feeling and experiencing. In the July/August issue, I talked about how to keep lines of communication open when a child “comes out” as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, etc.  In this issue, we’re going to talk about how to keep you and your teen connected. 

Some families consider that their main responsibility to a child that comes out is to continue to teach truths about sexuality and gender, and to make sure their teen does not misunderstand or ignore these teachings. In my experience with hundreds of teens from good homes, this emphasis generally results in a disconnection that makes communication feel tense and difficult. Because teens need a good relationship with parents in order to navigate the experiences of being a healthy teen, I recommend that parents: 

  1. Consider that your child may not be choosing to rebel against your teachings and beliefs as they learn new things about themselves and want to share them with you. 
  1. Recognize that your child knows where you stand with regard to teachings about sexuality and gender. 
  1. Learn to be open to hearing from your child what internalizing these ideas has been like (both recently and in the past). 
  1. Find out what your child’s hopes and dreams for themselves are, and how they may be changing. 
  1. Show respect for your child, especially as your child’s experiences are different from yours. 

These five things will make a dramatic difference in your child’s interest in re-opening a relationship with you. The most important thing is that you – as a parent – remain a steadfast connection with the world of respectful and loving relationship with your child. Children who do well – that is – avoid risky sex, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and suicidal behaviors – have parents who show respect for their childrens sense of what is true about them. (For details about the retrospective studies of families who demonstrate accepting and rejecting behaviors and the outcomes for teens, see http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/) 

If you want help navigating how to support your teen while making sure they are safe and mentally healthy (especially if identifying as a gender or sexual minority goes against your beliefs), you may want to:  

  1. Meet with other parents who have found peace in this journey (last issue listed several groups that meet in Utah County) 
  1. Meet with a therapist who can help you and your teen navigate issues of safety and mental health. 

 

Many families have found their way through this journey with greater love and appreciation for each other and for their relationships, which strengthens everyone, including parents and the younger children in the family. 

How do I Get My Husband to Come to Counseling?

Counseling, if done right, is husband friendly! Find the right therapist and you’ll understand. The problem is that many husbands worry that the therapist is going to take their wife’s side and gang up on him, or that therapy will be uncomfortable. While the latter may be true, the former isn’t. A good therapist doesn’t take sides or act as a referee. I have had many couples want to hash out an argument in front of me in counseling so that I can tell them who is right. I stop them, and explain that even if one of them ended up right, that they would be so wrong in their rightness – their marriage would suffer because they insisted on being right instead of compassionate and forgiving. A good therapist, rather, is able to foster healthy interactions between spouses so that they both feel safe and are able to be vulnerable and genuine with each other. When husbands understand that what they feel and think is important, then they are more willing to make this uncomfortable leap with their spouse. Women are more likely than men to initiate therapy, but without buy-in from the man, it is difficult to be successful in therapy. My suggestion to women who want to initiate counseling, but have a reluctant spouse is to recognize that this is scary for your spouse. They may feel as if they will be attacked, or worse yet, that they will lose you. Help them understand that your desire for counseling is because you love him and because you want this to work – but aren’t sure how to make fix it. Ask him to give therapy at least 3 sessions – after that, if he still feels reluctant there might be another counselor or approach that you could try. Most men feel better about therapy after at least 3 sessions if you have the right therapist for you.

 

Originally published on www.tristonmorgan.com